Without a doubt (Ashley)

IVF… 

That’s how we are starting our little family.  Nothing is wrong, both healthy just need a little help.  You know who over here, eh hem, no names, John…  had a vasectomy some years back. So, here we are.

Boy have we been in for some excitement.  : )    (I do have pics by the way… just gotta figure this thing out)

... back to the story….

What they should have told me at the beginning of this is that I needed blood work.  A type of blood work that isn’t done at the particular medical establishment that I have been going to.  What they also should have told me is that with this particular blood work there can be “glitches”. 

Welllllll, leave it to me and my body to throw a “glitch” into this scenario. 

And of course, the timing couldn’t have been better. Actually, I should say worse. 

The blood work was a test for HIV. 

If you think you’ve ever received hectic news that stopped your heart… you.can’t.even.imagine.  That news didn’t stop my heart, it shattered it.

It wasn’t “news”. It was lies.

Had to be. There’s no WAAAAY I have HIV.

My mind turned into a pinball machine. ‘oh my gaw, I could have it’

‘no don’t say that. That’s rubbish’

‘but what IIIFFF??’  ‘I could have gotten it at work, I cut myself all the time and really, really bad a few times. What if someone here… no no no… stop thinking like that Ashley’

This is stupid.

Well, back track a little bit. Did I mention that I was told these results while I was at work?  I didn’t think I had. 

I have a crew of 15 people.  I build submarines. 

When you are trying to process information like this your mind kind of shuts EVERYTHING else out.  It did just that.  I caught myself walking around in circles for about half an hour at one point.  People would talk to me and I couldn’t hear what they were saying, it was in a foreign language.

I called John the second that I got those results.  I didn’t know what else to do.  The Dr. had told me on the phone that I shouldn’t worry. 

‘Sometimes this happens. We see it, not a lot but enough that you shouldn’t be worried.  We need you to go back and get more blood work.  We want to run a different test but need a new sample.’

I left work immediately. Had blood drawn.

Lost every wink I could have gotten of sleep that night.

The next day I was supposed to be having my appointment to figure out what meds I need to be on for the next week….  The Dr called, she wants to push the process back a week.  By law she can’t continue until she has the results of the new test.

I

AM

DEVISTATED

Did I mention I walked around in circles? Well, now I was walking around like a zombie.  I couldn’t function hardly at all.

I wanted, no NEEDED, these results to hurry.

I had my appointment on the 29^{th  (Thursday)} like I was supposed to.  I never doubted the facts. I knew the truth but I will say that it creates a small pocket for doubt to dwell in.   And dwelling, it was.

I wasn’t the only one in which doubt was churning in a small pocket.  He doesn’t admit it, but he was concerned. 

I think what helped keep both of our heads, and the doctors, above water was the fact that his came back negative.  Also, one year ON THE DAY, I had a para-med for a life insurance review. (John took out something like a million dollar life insurance policy on me, so if I ever turn up missing… you know.  Jus sayin) In that blood work I tested negative.  Two months prior to that, I donated blood to the Red Cross, again, negative results.

I was certain. 

….  I think I will leave you with that… pick back up tomorrow.  I will try and figure this picture thing out too tomorrow.  : )

Good night.