This should catch you up. (Ashley)

I am still trying to catch you up to the 2 week wait, huh?

So, about the ovaries.

Yes.  The focal point of the last few weeks.  The point of these dag-gone fertility drugs is to make those small, little ol' egg producing factories do what they do best... create eggs.

And boy did they.

These doctors/scientist have this process refined to (near) perfection.  I know that there is a bit of "guessing" at the initial dosages and what not, but when they get it, they get it.

The doctor(s) explained that my ovaries contain follicles. Typically, each follicle produces one egg.  Not every egg will mature in time for ovulation... but our goal was to mature the eggs, induce ovulation, and catch those suckers before they drop.

You can't imagine how heavy an ovary can get... i swear a had a 10 lb bowling ball in my abdomen. Seriously.

HEAVY.

Have i mentioned in any of this that I am painstakingly modest? Well well well...

To monitor these growing, egg producing, heavy ovaries, the doctor takes blood and does an ultra sound....
Doesn't sound too bad, does it?

Yeah, right.  

The ultrasound wand....... GOES INSIDE!!!!

What the heck?!?!?!
You want me to do what? You want to put that WHERE?
Oh my gawwww... super embarrassing. But, I lived to fight another day.

So we monitor these ovaries... all the while my jeans are getting snug. Great, I'm gonna get fat while I'm at it.

They grow my ovaries to the size of small grapefruits.  yes.   small. GRAPEFRUITS!

I will say that it was cool to watch the follicles continue to get big.  Inside each follicle, they believe there would be 1 egg.  The first ultrasound we did the doctor said, "oh goody, you're full of follicles"

By the time we were done "growing" the eggs, I had approximately 7-8 follicles in each ovary.  Each follicle was about 1 inch in diameter...

Holy crap... I felt like I was going to explode.

I have managed to make it to the final step of the "fertility" part.  The last part is a shot, go figure.  They call this one the "trigger shot".  It is a shot of HcG. It makes the eggs mature. It also makes you ovulate in exactly 38 hours.
Like I said, they have this down to a fine science... so, at the 36 hour mark, they go in and grab'em while they're hot.

Waiting... waiting... waiting... BAM!

So... we made it to the retrieval days.  John's retrieval was Monday... I will let him fill you in on that excitement.  (Fellas, you may not want to read about that one. It isn't for the faint of heart.)
His retrieval, although seemingly painful, went very smoothly.  We extracted some sperms and sent them to the incubator to bask for the night.

My retrieval was the following morning.   Bright and early.

(I was naked under that thing... that in its self was an experience. lol)

They got mad at me because I had a piece of gum that morning. WTH? haha.

Oh and I should also mention, that was the first time I had been given anesthesia... WOAH!  That stuff messed me up. One second I was talking to a room full of people about being modest, the next thing I know, I'm waking up as I'm being rolled outta the room.

The retrieval was a success.  15 eggs were retrieved.  That, from what I understand, is a great number.  The doctor did say that we wouldn't be able to use them all because some were not as developed as they needed to be.  I was fine with that... I just wanted to have a couple at the very least.
We ended up being able to fertilize 8 eggs!

So, off to the lab with my eggs!  My eggs and John's swimmers had a blind date.  lol
CONCEPTION.

Now we wait.  72 hours.

72 hours and the products of all this torture will emerge.
In the first 24 hours the embryo will split into 2 cells.
the next 24, it divides into 4 cells.
If the embryo makes it to the next 24 hours, ideally it should be 6-9 cells.

On the day of my transfer, I was notified that one of the embryos did not make it.  So, now we are down to 7.
The doctor did come in and say "today, we are going to be transferring two beautiful embryos"
My heart was put to a little ease.

We had one, 9 cell embryo.
One, 8 cell embryo.
Two, 7 cell.
And three 6 cell.   ( i think i got that right, something along those lines)

John and I had already decided we were going to transfer 2 embryos.  Statistically, there is a chance there could be twins.  However, statistically, there is a chance we could also not get pregnant.

The transfer went smoothly... John got to be in the room when they did it.  ( I think it would feel weird if I got knocked up and he wasn't even in the room. Explain THAT to a kid later down the road)

(side note ::  he wore that thing home... just like that) (( this is gonna be a weird kid))

Wellllll... I caught you up to the transfer day....  Friday, June 13th.

Now, you get to wait with me.  13 whole days!

They refer to it as THE 2WW.  (the 2 week wait)

It is the most miserable, heart wrenching, stressful (but good stress), anxiety inducing, traumatic 2 weeks of a woman's life.

I want so bad to know.
But I must wait.
2 more days!!

Thursday. That's the day I have been counting down too. The day I am afraid of.
What if it didn't take.  What if it did?

My mind has been a pinball machine for the last 11 days.

Guess... I will just have to keep waiting.

John's 2nd Post

Well, as you know, John is now part of this blog.  A major contributor, in fact.  But I want you to know that I have not "chimed in" so that you can know my "2 cents worth".  I truly believe that Ashley and I are unique.  And not just in the sense of "she's young, he's old, she's been there, he's been there, yadda, yadda, yadda".  We truly have something special.  An understanding of each other, an appreciation of each other's past experiences, a desire to figure each other out on a much deeper level, and a desire to pass our love on to our child(ren) and future generations.

Right now, unfortunately, we are in the dreaded 13 day waiting period associated with the IVF process.  A period with more questions than answers.  A period that is tougher on Ashley than it is on John.  You see, Ashley has little (no) patience, and John is a" let's kick back and see what happens" type of guy.  So...we have until Thursday to wait...and find out???

In the interim, let's discuss more of this IVF process.  Did I mention that it involves needles?  Lots and lots of needles.  And did I mention (or maybe Ashley did) that needles make me weak in the knees, and in some cases, make me visit the floor on an involuntary basis?  We've both given blood for general labs, estrogen levels, hormones screening, HIV tests, etc.  And I've faced needles for the purpose of numbing parts of my body that I don't necessarily want numbed.  But the biggest needle challenge was when Ashley had to poke herself in the stomach during the stimulation process.  Well, she couldn't do it!  So who had to step in?  Me?  Mr. pass out at the sight of needle.  But, you know what?  I did it!  And I did it multiple times per day, over the course of several weeks, because I knew it was part of a process that will make our dreams come true.

So, my hopes for this blog are twofold.  First, I hope to amuse you with our comical experiences associated with getting impregnated and all that comes along with that.  And second, I hope to introduce you to a relationship that will inspire you and challenge you to take yours to new levels.

I love you Ashley!  And I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings! 

The wait. (Ashley)

I am so tired.

All I can think about is this wretched wait.  2 WHOLE WEEKS!

Do these people not realize that I have ADD!

Well it's been 9 days so far... but I guess I need to catch you up.

I can try.

31 days ago...  That's when I started taking an injectable... Lupron... in my stomach!!!  If you have been reading these blogs then you may remember my encounter in the bathroom at 4 am.  My inability to stick myself...  : )

Right. It never got any easier. EVER. I think I took that one for 15 days. I don't know... i just remember that I became a human pin cushion.  SEE...

YES! Those are bruises you see.  

That was actually on a good day when some were fading.  I will tell you, it's very hard to poke yourself.  Especially when you know that is going to be the outcome. 

Anywho, we have toughed it out and gotten this far...

So, Lupron. Check.

15 days. Check.

Bruises. Check.

Next step...  Fertility drugs!

More poking and needle jabbing to look forward to. Check.

Gonna be worth it all in the end. Check.

So, on June 1st. (with the aide of a negative HIV test) I was able to start my drugs on time.  I will say, I think about that whole escapade and I STILL can't believe that we had to go through that.  I wouldn't wish any of that scenario on my worst enemy.  

Anyways, ( i get side tracked some times... I'm not sure if i mentioned i have ADD)

*oh look! A SQUIRREL!!

Right.

Well, this is what i had to look forward to....

: ( yep yep... mooooore needles.

Needless to say, John has been my saving grace in all of this poking.  Every single day, bright and early, when he could have been sleeping for a few more hours, he would get up, outta bed and poke me.     THEN crawl right back in bed.  None the less, he gets all the credit.

(hey... so i figured out the picture thing.) 

(( apparently, dummy))

Well, it stays pretty boring for about 10 days.  Just a lot of poking and what not.

OH WAAAIIIT.  I almost forgot about the ultra sounds... and the whole reason I'm taking these things.... hahaha... 

MY OVARIES!!  Holy cow.  They have been the absolute center of the universe for the past few weeks.  Did you know, your ovaries are normally the size of almonds? Most of the time.  Or rather, most of the month... lol

Anywhoooo.

I am going to have to fill you in on my ovaries tomorrow.  This girl is beat!  I've been working a lot... I think about 90 hours this week. YUCK.

SO, I will pick this up tomorrow.

Goodnight my friends!

John Joins the Blog

So, I'll start by saying that loving Ashley Bourguet has been the greatest, yet most rewarding challenge I have ever faced.  How many of you reading this blog can say that they are married to the coolest, sexiest, most interesting person you have ever met?  I can!  Those who know us, whether through social media, face-to-face friendship, or whatever, know us as simply John and Ashley.  We do what we do.  We work, we play, we travel, we cycle, we garden, we don't eat animals, we backpack, we sleep in the woods, we love each other like no other.  But, until recently, it has been just that...John and Ashley.

Then, the question was asked (I won't say who asked it), "what will Ashley do when John is gone."  Well, John doesn't plan on going anywhere anytime soon. But, he is an old fart, likely to depart this spherical, orbiting place we call earth many years before Ashley.  Couple that with the fact that Ashley would (and will) be the coolest mom a kid could ever have, and you understand how we are where we are today.  She deserves this!  We deserve this!

So...where is that?  It's a place where things are not done naturally.  A place where natural order is disrupted.  Uteruses are evaluated, ovaries are stimulated, testicles are violated, and ultimately...hopes and dreams are cultivated.

We don't have confirmation yet, but we are hopeful and confident that we are about to start a family that extends well beyond "John and Ashley".  We are excited about the opportunity, humbled by the challenge, and stand ready to step up to the plate and offer this world an addition that is open minded, socially responsible, and well-grounded in the principles of virtue and morality.

More interesting details of our journey will emerge as this blog grows.  I'll just leave it at that.  For now, just sit back, relax, and enjoy this journey with us.

More to the story (Ashley)

John called the place that drew my blood.  He asked the nurse when we could expect the results.  She said ‘it depends’.  He quickly filled her in on the importance of these results.  She said that the only place on the East coast that does this specific test was in North Carolina.

GREAT! This is never going to happen now.  My world has just stopped spinning. 

The nurse told him that it was possible to expedite the test if it was a ‘1 to 3 day test’ but not if it was a ‘5 to 7 day test’.  She couldn’t tell by what she had in front of her face.  She reassured John that she would call and find out and call him back to let him know what type of test it was.  What she DID know was that the blood had left the office at noon that day (Thursday) and only had to travel about 4 hours to the lab in NC.  She said she would let us know something by the end of the day.

SHE NEVER CALLED BACK!

Mind you, this is all Thursday.  I am supposed to be starting my IVF cycle Saturday.  We cannot start the cycle until we have the results.

The day ends.  No word. From anyone, at all.  Patience…. I need patience.

Friday rolls around.  After another sleepless night, I talk myself into getting out of bed and facing the day head on. 

I will NOT let this day have the best of me. 

I go in to work, put on a happy face, and put my crew to work.  You know, it’s hard to keep a straight face when people complain about petty things when you are faced with such turmoil.   I heard so many things that morning that just made me fight to keep my mouth closed.  Somehow I managed not to wear my emotions and problems on my sleeve. 

I made it to lunch without breaking into pieces.  The whole time I keep reminding myself that this procedure isn’t going to be taking place next week.  Every time I reiterated it to myself my heart clenched tighter.

Lunch is over at 12:30.  I was having an impromptu crew talk in our cage and my phone rings.  12:43.

My DR’s office is calling me.  Something inside me collapsed.  I stepped away from the crew and answered the phone.  Maddie, my Dr’s nurse, asked me how I was doing.  I said ‘I’ll be great once I get these dang results’. 

She said ‘wait, you don’t know?’ 

“KNOW WHAT??”

She said ‘you’re results came back neagative’

Iiiiiiiii kneeeeeeew it!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently the dr’s were more excited than they thought I would be to hear that the results were negative.  THEY FORGOT TO CALL AND TELL ME!!!

They had gotten the results back that morning.  Everyone there, I guess, assumed that since I told them I wasn’t positive, thought that I didn’t need to hear it from them. Lol

Maddie apologized for not letting me know sooner… but they had already worked out my meds and time table for the cycle to proceed….

We are proceeeeeeeeding!!!

Well, well, with all that being said, I almost have you caught up to present day stuff now…

BUUUUT  I think I will pick back up tomorrow.

: )

Good night!

Without a doubt (Ashley)

IVF… 

That’s how we are starting our little family.  Nothing is wrong, both healthy just need a little help.  You know who over here, eh hem, no names, John…  had a vasectomy some years back. So, here we are.

Boy have we been in for some excitement.  : )    (I do have pics by the way… just gotta figure this thing out)

... back to the story….

What they should have told me at the beginning of this is that I needed blood work.  A type of blood work that isn’t done at the particular medical establishment that I have been going to.  What they also should have told me is that with this particular blood work there can be “glitches”. 

Welllllll, leave it to me and my body to throw a “glitch” into this scenario. 

And of course, the timing couldn’t have been better. Actually, I should say worse. 

The blood work was a test for HIV. 

If you think you’ve ever received hectic news that stopped your heart… you.can’t.even.imagine.  That news didn’t stop my heart, it shattered it.

It wasn’t “news”. It was lies.

Had to be. There’s no WAAAAY I have HIV.

My mind turned into a pinball machine. ‘oh my gaw, I could have it’

‘no don’t say that. That’s rubbish’

‘but what IIIFFF??’  ‘I could have gotten it at work, I cut myself all the time and really, really bad a few times. What if someone here… no no no… stop thinking like that Ashley’

This is stupid.

Well, back track a little bit. Did I mention that I was told these results while I was at work?  I didn’t think I had. 

I have a crew of 15 people.  I build submarines. 

When you are trying to process information like this your mind kind of shuts EVERYTHING else out.  It did just that.  I caught myself walking around in circles for about half an hour at one point.  People would talk to me and I couldn’t hear what they were saying, it was in a foreign language.

I called John the second that I got those results.  I didn’t know what else to do.  The Dr. had told me on the phone that I shouldn’t worry. 

‘Sometimes this happens. We see it, not a lot but enough that you shouldn’t be worried.  We need you to go back and get more blood work.  We want to run a different test but need a new sample.’

I left work immediately. Had blood drawn.

Lost every wink I could have gotten of sleep that night.

The next day I was supposed to be having my appointment to figure out what meds I need to be on for the next week….  The Dr called, she wants to push the process back a week.  By law she can’t continue until she has the results of the new test.

I

AM

DEVISTATED

Did I mention I walked around in circles? Well, now I was walking around like a zombie.  I couldn’t function hardly at all.

I wanted, no NEEDED, these results to hurry.

I had my appointment on the 29^{th  (Thursday)} like I was supposed to.  I never doubted the facts. I knew the truth but I will say that it creates a small pocket for doubt to dwell in.   And dwelling, it was.

I wasn’t the only one in which doubt was churning in a small pocket.  He doesn’t admit it, but he was concerned. 

I think what helped keep both of our heads, and the doctors, above water was the fact that his came back negative.  Also, one year ON THE DAY, I had a para-med for a life insurance review. (John took out something like a million dollar life insurance policy on me, so if I ever turn up missing… you know.  Jus sayin) In that blood work I tested negative.  Two months prior to that, I donated blood to the Red Cross, again, negative results.

I was certain. 

….  I think I will leave you with that… pick back up tomorrow.  I will try and figure this picture thing out too tomorrow.  : )

Good night.

More to the story (Ashley)

Well, I wasn’t supposed to be blogging all by myself.  We had intended to hit this from both sides.  You know, so you could hear my story… and his. 

Oh well.

I kinda want to rewind a bit.  I’d like to catch you up on the way we found each other.   I mean, if that doesn’t sound to boring.

Its weird… I dated here and there, thought I found someone I could spend my life with. Needless to say, I was obviously mistaken.  That’s not to take away from the time I spent with those in my past… I have great memories and countless stories.  But there was something different about this one…

I moved to Virginia in late 2005. October to be exact, the 27^th.  The reason?.. well, the reason turned out to be a mistake… but the ultimate outcome has brought me here.

It’s brought me to today.  This incredible person that I found that makes me whole.  He’s my soul.

Ok ok. Sooooo, we gotta change it up for a minute.  The post I started before this was interrupted by a need for sleep.  Then that was interrupted by a barrage of crazy crazy crazy events. 

It’s been so crazy that I don’t even know where to start. 

It’s June 2^nd. 

On May 5^th I started taking birth control… for the first time in my life.  Totally backwards.

A couple years ago John and I talked about starting a family.  He didn’t think he wanted to have any more children.  He has four from a previous marriage. 

We decided that a family is just what we needed.

We are currently on a journey to start that family.

I hope you want to keep reading.  I have so much to say and so much to share.

I can’t begin to tell you how stoked we are.  John included.

I think he will chime in eventually. At least I hope so.

So, back to the craziness… that is, if you’re interested.

Have I mentioned how in love I am with this man??

DEEPLY.

So, like I said… birth control.  Step one.

Step two… injections… (as you may have read earlier).

Step three… blood work…

Step three begins to add a little haze to my life.   On May 29^th, I was scheduled for my appointment to get detailed information about the drugs I was going to have to take.

....I almost missed that appointment.

Tomorrow I’ll tell you all about it.

But… Good night for now.